I tried to come up with a witty title for this post, yet, none really seemed to capture what I’m feeling in this moment…The best I can come up with is “write hard and clear about what hurts,” thanks Hemingway. One of my favorite pins also reminded me that I own every thing that has happened to me – and it is my story to tell, because if someone wanted me to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.
I am absolutely positive that there are some people who could write negative things about me. I have not always been the best person. I know there will be times that I fall short and will not be the best or nicest me that I can be. I understand that human nature means we hurt each other, because we mess up from time to time. I will not always behave as my best self, whomever you are reading this, neither will you.
However, today my heart hurts. It sincerely hurts. I physically feel ill about what I am writing about.
I don’t live for the approval of others, but it also bothers me when I don’t know what I did to hurt someone and they don’t like me for said unknown reason. Today I can think of two people who this applies to in the last week. These two people cut me off in the last week, (or it has become apparent in the last week), and I legitimately have gone over and over interactions with them and have no idea what I did to them to make them dislike me. And it bothers me. If I hurt these individuals I would like to apologize for what I did…or at least defend myself.
Yes, I have said repeatedly one of my goals of 2018 is to be more savage and be able to cut people off without a second thought when they hurt me… But, I am really really bad at that, like really awful. I don’t want to hurt people, I actually despise it. I’m the one left laying awake at 3 am wondering what I did. At my core, I am a peacemaker. I actually cried over unfriending someone on Facebook a few weeks ago, and I had chosen to do so because they expressed opinions that supported rape culture… it just really bothers me to upset someone. I can act really hard, it’s part of my reputation, it’s part of what I need to do to handle 16 year olds on a daily basis, but I’m actually just a big softy who’s heart is way bigger than it should be. I’m basically the grinch.
So, if I have done things to offend you, if I have ever hurt you, if I have ever made you want to cut me off, if you think at my core I want to revel in someone’s pain (legit someone said this to me about two weeks ago !!?!?), Please know I’m sorry…please know that isn’t me. I want it to be me. I want to look out for my own good, yet it isn’t me yet….
LOL probably never will be….SOS. college/savage me come back …
I guess my conclusion to this is, if you’re one of those people, I’m sorry, I would appreciate knowing what happened so I don’t repeat that action to someone else. Or don’t, I’ll probably still be awake at 3 am overthinking the situation, it’s fine. (That May be passive aggressive)
i also would like to note, that these two individuals were two of the people I mentioned in my blog a few weeks back, yet I wanted so badly to forgive them and still be their friend, I guess I should’ve believed them when they showed me who they were.
To those of you who still have my back and still love me, then please push me to be more savage and look out for myself, maybe give me a hug because my heart is hurt right now, encourage me to be better, I promise I’ll always be there for you and that I’ll write warmly about you because you behaved well.