Feeling bad for being sick

“But, you don’t look sick”

You’re right, I don’t look sick, but I am.

And I feel bad for feeling sick. I feel like I am somehow inconveniencing others by not feeling well. Or when someone tells me how crappy they feel when they are sick, I feel guilty to say that I feel bad as well.

Here’s what a typical day feels like for me. (If you don’t care what the symptoms for me are and just want to know what I’m whining about today, skip down a little farther).

I wake up exhausted, my back/shoulders/neck hurt while I get ready, I go to work, I’m still tired, I get myself stressed out over work and my back/shoulders/neck/head hurt worse than they did when I woke up, I work out, my back/shoulders/neck and then my shoulders/hips begin to hurt, I foam roll to help the pain, I attempt to go to sleep and anxiety and pain keep me awake or wake me frequently through the night.

I don’t wear make up because I cherish ten extra minutes of sleep and hate the extra effort.

Some days, if I’m having a super bad day, I get migraines instead of normal headaches. 

I have headache medication but it’s to treat the problem, not prevent it.

When my muscles hurt, the best way I can describe it is like someone clawing through my muscle fibers/nerves. 

I have anxiety, I worry about more than I ever should. I try to pray verses of peace over myself, but a lot of times it doesn’t do much to help. 

I don’t sleep. I lay awake hurting. I gradually grow more annoyed that I’m awake and then that also makes me unable to sleep. 

I foam roll, daily. It’s supposed to help fibromyalgia, it works temporarily, then the pain comes back. 

I keep a pillow in my desk chair, and try to meditate during lunch, to help my pain and my anxiety. If you don’t know, meditation is really hard to get in to. 

I’m tired, almost constantly. I’ve tried life with and without caffeine to see what works best. Neither help the problem, really. But, if you ever need a good gift idea, I collect coffee mugs, because coffee is one of my favorite things in the world. 

I often find myself in a bad mood because I’m hurting and I’m annoyed at my own body, but I (admittedly wrongly) often take it out on those around me.

Some days are clearly easier than others. I’m on two new medicines. One is definitely working. The other, it could be March before it begins to work. Yet the doctor who diagnosed me with fibro & UCTD (see last post) guarantees they will work. 

Nobody around me really gets what I’m going through. My best friend, (hope you’re okay with me saying this, B), kind of gets it. She also has a chronic illness. We understand the frustration and the pain, but we do not have the same thing, so it is also hard to relate. Caleb listens to me complain or explain my symptoms, but because he doesn’t have it, he doesn’t fully get it. My parents/siblings/grandparent have watched me suffered for eight years, they’ve seen me feeling the “best” I have, and they’ve seen me feel awful, but they still don’t “get it.” My doctor, as awesome as I find him, has studied this in medical school but he doesn’t have it, so he can hear my symptoms but he still doesn’t “get it.” My students and coworkers, (love y’all), probably don’t even know I have medical issues, and they don’t get it. There’s one human who gets it, because both illnesses are different for every individual, and that’s me. God gets it, but sorry his intellect is a little above everyone’s here.

Also, please stop asking why I don’t wear make up. It’s rude. I don’t feel like it. Leave me alone. Maybe I also kind of like the way I look. 

I get sick like it’s my job, sorry I just laughed at myself, because one time a doctor actually told me to expect to get sick if I wanted to be a teacher. But anyways, my immune system is low. I get sick frequently and it sucks.
I feel bad every time my parents help me with a medical bill.
I feel bad every time I get sick because I feel like it’s a burden.
I feel bad every time Caleb or my parents or my brother or whoever does something for me because I feel like it’s annoying.
I feel bad when someone tells me how they’re feeling and I don’t have a great response. So if this is you, I’m sorry.
If you hear me complain a lot, I’m sorry.
Basically this is just a rant of saying I’m sorry for being sick and if I’m not the best on empathy.
To those of you who are supporting me on this crapstorm journey, thank you.

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