I sit in another classroom, watching another teacher with her students, and I appreciate the relationship I share with my current students. It has been hard to be grateful lately, I feel guilty admitting this, but it is the truth, and I want to be vulnerable and be truthful here.
It was a really great reminder that in a Sunday service a few weeks ago, the pastor reminded us that even a mustard seed faith counts. Doubts are normal. Trails are normal. Mustard Seed Faith Counts. Let me say that again. Mustard. Seed. Faith. Does Count. So there is where this blog site name comes from.
I chose to start this as a way to process some of the things I am dealing with. It may be read, it may not be, but either way I am fine. God brought me to it, and he will bring me through it, but I need to process the things he has brought me to.
Life has been busy and life has been hard. A little over a month ago, I was diagnosed with two conditions that may never be cured. I had surgery on my hand (that I write with), from an accident that happened almost a year ago. I have had to stop lifting weights and change my workout routine drastically as a result of the surgery. I will start Occupational Therapy later this week….I hate OT and PT. Most days the fatigue from my chronic illnesses make it hard to keep my eyes open through throughout the day. The news I see daily concerns me. The things I hear some of my students say concerns me to the point I lay awake at night- I hope to be a safe place for them and to prepare them for the future and it makes me crazy to think I may be falling short. My anxiety has increased significantly. Multiple people I trusted and whom I considered myself close with have hurt me in the last few months, and my tender heart has hurt in ways I didn’t know that it could.
Possibly the most painful…Some days I question that God is listening when I pray. I know he is there, but some days with things being so hard, it can Feel like he isn’t.
As I write this, I fear it sounds negative. There are positive things in my life. I was accepted into graduate school at a university that I love, and I am beyond excited about beginning my master’s degree. Multiple awesome organizations have opened their doors to me to volunteer with them as Miss Capital City. I have found a renewed love for yoga. My dad has been doing great as he heals after his procedure in August (more to come on this later). My boyfriend, who is also my best friend, has been super supportive of my job and volunteerism. I have a beautiful sense of community among two of my three classes, and they manage to make me laugh on a daily basis. With the help of my family and friends, my team for the AFSP team raised over $1200 for the Out of Darkness Walk. I assisted the HPA Charlotte with collecting 754 pounds of food for Second Harvest Food Bank (these are just two wonderful events I have been involved with since March). I have been exceedingly proud of the way my title has allowed me to help my community. My sister flies home tonight from her new home, and I am so excited to see her.
I know that I have a tendency for pessimism, and I often look at the bad rather than the good. One of my devotions last week called me to be grateful. I hope here to write about struggles but also the things I am grateful for.
So I want to end today with a few things.
- I am grateful for you, that you are alongside me for this first post, and have made it this far into it. I hope maybe you will join me again.
- I am thankful for the fact I will spend this holiday in warm homes with the people I love.
- I am thankful for a job, that although challenging, I also enjoy, and that pays the bills.
- I am thankful for friends and family who support me in all of my endeavors.
- I am grateful for a program that has allowed me to pursue scholarship, service, and success.
- I am thankful for the best friends that a woman could ask for. I love you guys so much- even if you don’t read this and never see this, I hope you know how much you mean to me.
- I am grateful for four beautiful fur babies who let me love them like crazy.
- I am thankful for being able to receive the medical care that I need.
- I am thankful for a Father God who has saved me by grace and looks on me as His Beloved.
- If you know me, you know how true this is. I am super thankful for food. All the food. Especially dessert, peanut butter, coffee…I could keep going, but that would be digressing.
Lastly, if you are reading this, I want to connect with you, message/email/comment and tell me- how can I pray for you? And/or, what are you thankful for this Thanksgiving week?